Reply to Zen and the Art of Single parenting

I read an excellent article on a blog entitled Zen and the Art of Single Parenting - and - as per usual - felt that I could NOT keep quiet.

For those who don't know - I'm hoping to adopt a little one(s) - and am hoping this very strongly. The article was written by a single mom of 2 littles - and I definitely understand where she was coming from!

BTDT re adoption by single mom - although it wasn't adoption - bt it was legal guardianship of a little one with multiple multiple special needs (she is back with bparents now), it was raising my son to adulthood with NO help (he did fine, btw - has now put himself through college - dual major and working on his master's plus he has a very well-paid job in computers, it was raising my dd with little to no help (only $65 a month child support) to adulthood (she is now an authoress of 5 books, has put herself through college on her BA, owns and sells books at her own shop)unofficially fostered 6 other littles who are grown and gone and most doing well, 2 official foster littles - one of whom was adopted by another family and 1 of whom aged out of the system but who had multiple problems on arrival 5 months prior to aging out - and who sadly did NOT improve over time before aging out.

YES - it is expensive - BUT not as expensive as many would have you believe. It all depends on what your priorities are. Nike shoes? OK then if that's what the child wants - the child can earn part of the cost. Newest whatever at the mall? Probably not - but then I don't get that either!!! It depends on your priorities!

Braces for the teeth? Dental extraction? Eyeglasses? Hearing Aids? Medical and dental stuff? Definitely yes.

Education? I am a homeschooler from the word go - and my kids do and have recieved the best education possible to give and to teach. As a result my homelibrary is VERY extensive although I could - and did use the public library a LOT! Books are a priority here!

Friendships and friendship possibilities are a priority as well - although that does NOT mean public school necessarily - or even as a first choice. It DOES mean Scouts, 4H, church or religious groups, relatives (maybe), neighbors (maybe) - and it does NOT mean inundating the poor kid with constant "socialization"

Things that ARE hard - when the little one is having royal king-sized temper tantrums (read as rage filled hours - not moments - at all the stuff that has happened in the past) - there might be no one to take over while you step outside for a quick breath - or several - of fresh air and where you contemplate the eternal question of "WHY???!!!!!" and then come back in to continue parenting in the calmed down (hopefully) manner you hopefully usually do.

However - if you have friends locally - or know of other moms who have experienced similar situations - yo CAN contact them - in person, on phone, or in one of MANY MANY email groups - and know that you can cry on their shoulders and that they have gone through the same things as you!

Children DO benefit from 2 parent families and they DO need to be exposed to parenting from males as well as females. Thing is though that while it is ideal if all this can occur within the same family - it does NOT do well for the parents to pull in different directions. The reality is that in today's world that does not always happen for whatever reason. And it is still profoundly better for a child to have at least ONE parent than to have NO parents - to have a mom, or moms or dad or dads who love their little one and can open the doors of what it really means to be a part of a family than to always wonder.

Single parenting is HARD. ANY parenting - whether single or not is HARD - the hardest and most important challenge any parent has ever done - and it is (I think - biased viewpoint here) even twice as much so when you are a single parent. For those who think they can be both mom and dad - no. You can try to be the best mom or dad you can be - you can't be both - but that's ok. You can also make sure you have role models in the opposite sex who are close by, somewhat available - but who may not (nor really should) act in a parenting role. I have my son (who lives 30 minutes from me). I also have my daughter (who lives with her dh about 5 - 6 hours from me). And trust me, either or both have no hesitation about telling me what they think.

Which brings up another question - when you adopt a child - you think of you, your child, maybe your significant other - but what if the unthinkable happens and you, through death or severe physical or mental disability, are no longer in the picture? Single parents HAVE to think of this. ALL parents SHOULD think of this and many don't - whether birth, adopted, guardianship, foster. For me - my adult children will parent my kids. And trust me on this - they make awesome parents!

I love that you, Erin, are mom of two - and am so very very happy for you! And yes, I do believe that you and your littles are so definitely meant for each other.

Helen (who also has counted down the minutes until naptime and then wished that bedtime were earlier!)